I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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