if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
