so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
