So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
