just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
God, I missed his penis.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
