shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
