I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
