last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
