I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
