your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
