Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
