i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
There r osticjed everywhere
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
