Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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