chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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