Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
