East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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