the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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