everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
