Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
