i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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