also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
