this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We had sex on a dog bed..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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