I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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