If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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