I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
