i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
