Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
