it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
