smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
