I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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