This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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