he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
