xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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