cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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