Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I still have a little drunk in my system
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
