I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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