I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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