Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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