Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
