I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
