She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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