I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
