Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
