There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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