he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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