the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
