I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
