Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
