Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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