Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
