I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
